Photo Courtesy of Nick Onken with design via Stephanie Stalnaker.



More and more incredible women feel they cannot meet anyone to have a meaningful relationship with, especially as they approach the scarier side of their biological clock. The conversation comes my way frequently. I have been married twice before and am currently in a 9 year relationship. I must seem like a mythical creature to women who find themselves partnerless for months to years. They talk about the subject like it is a situation completely outside of themselves, having nothing to do with anything they are doing or not doing, but more a by-product of complicated cities or bad parenting. As I listen, I can usually see patterns in the self work women need to accomplish before they can attract a potential partner with the long list of requirements they want in a prospect. 

The topic of the break down of partnership and the lack of awareness of one's real purpose and how generational conditions impact the next, is already a big topic for me. So the singledom sub category is an interesting feeder for my bigger concept.

First and foremost, we are animals. Even though we perceive ourselves as more evolved than dogs, we actually meet and suss each other out in very similar ways. We smell each other and we are attracted to basic animal instincts: the scent and vibe of happiness, positivity and joy. When we sense these traits in others, we are attracted to them. A man on the precipice of his career, may want a partner who will grow their quality of life and on a sub-conscience level, also be a great parent. Many successful women will feel the pressure of their biological clocks ticking and will sniff out a “provider and protector." Before I get called an anti-feminist and old school, please understand I am over-simplifying to prove a point: no matter how intellectual we become, we are still primal acting animals hunting with our initiative hunches. This is true no matter what your preference of gender, as we operate as the gender we relate to.

Women who are single often make the first and most important mistake: being terminally, embarrassingly and depressingly single. Going to clubs and looking for a man rarely works. When you're searching, you'll never find. But when you are full of life, full of joy and full of excitement, you don’t have to look. You don’t have to search. Whether you have a partner or not, you are your own perfect partner. I know that sounds very etherial and all over the place, so when I say this very over-the-head statement to someone and I see their confusion, I continue to explain like this.

When you’re dating somebody, the first day, 3 days, week, you go over the top in pleasing them. You want to show them that you are going to change their life, that you’re resourceful, that you have interesting ideas and that you’re super funny. That little blip in Bridesmaidswhen she wakes up in full make up and tries to pretend that she wakes up that way? That’s a silly example, but in a real way, we do things to show that we are a good partner, a good mate. 

When you’re newly dating someone and you want to send them a note in the morning, you want to sound positive as they start their day. What if you sent yourself that same message? If you fill up yourself, then you will be surprised and shocked what comes into your life. Not just in partnership, but in opportunities all around. Because let’s face it, every relationship in your life is an intimate relationship. The people you work with, your family, your friends, or even people you sit next to on your commute on the train. You’re doing a dance with these people, you’re having a relationship with them. So imagine if you were full of positivity and excitement. How would that impact everyone around you?

When you see dogs, they often meet, sniff around to determine gender and dance around the idea of mating. As humans, we also do that on a subconscious level. If you’re single and you’ve been single for a long time - and there’s been no action down there - people can sense it. Perhaps not consciously, but you will feel closed off to people. Please enjoy your own self. Take the time. Even if it’s not everyday, then at least once a week. Light up your own fire. Bring that Kundalini energy from your first chakra. Try to bring it up, start to connect it to your heart, get it as far up there as you can on your own. You’ll literally be blown away by the level of people that come into your life. This is not an overnight process. It requires a life long dedication. Day by day, make yourself a priority. Make yourself number one. If you just start implementing these small tools, you’ll be amazed.

In 2017, marriage and divorce statistics are at their lowest percentages, women are starting families later in life, women are also going through life not having children and there are higher infertility rates. All these things are going against the natural rhythm and cycle of life. Why are we in this place? Generation to generation, decade to decade, and culture to culture, how far we’ve gotten away from our instinctual habits of mating. We used to live in communities where family members were all nearby. They would suggest meeting like minded people and engage in similar behaviors. Now we live so far from our families, that has disappeared. 

The function of marriage has also changed. There was a time when you got married to survive. With the advent of the industrial revolution and technology, that’s no longer why people get married. In the late 60’s and 70’s, a lot of people started getting divorced and looking for partners not because of function and family, but because they were looking for someone who was spiritually or intellectually going to help them grow. This changed the paradigm. Many housewives all of a sudden found themselves in a space of obscurity. They had dedicated their lives to their families, gone above and beyond for their husbands, but then, their husbands got into a place of success and left them for someone younger or more interesting. I am being very stereotypical, but you get what I’m saying. The moral of the story is that you had an angry generation of woman who gave birth to girls and swore they were never going to let that situation happen to their daughters. They raised their daughters to be independent, making sure they didn't rely on men. That’s amazing and important and why we have so many incredible female leaders.

But we also have a generation of women who don’t know how to cook, are less domestic, might not emphasize nurturing, or are not as  willing to surrender or sacrifice to benefit their partnerships or families. You have an off balanced paradigm of gender roles.

An interesting book (with a terrible title that turns a lot of people off) is called, “Getting To I Do.” It’s written by a relationship psychologist, who argues that we have to choose the gender that we are. If you want to be a woman who is cherished and adored, then you have to assume that role and not take over your partnership, but instead let the man lead. But for women who actively express and act on their power, it might be more of a challenge to do that. So it’s a major commitment and dedication to fall back in that way and really be that female who is supportive and growing.

Keys to the Kingdom” is also a solid read. I wanted to cry and throw the book across the room, but was also appreciative of the information. It said a lot about things that this generation of woman are never going to be able to do. Lots about letting things go and allowing men to be themselves. It’s a frustrating book, but if I actually think about it, I could see my male friends, my son, and my husband in the book. The book made me think, am I really going to be someone who is once again single by not understanding how to be in this partnership, or be a better partner and get better results? Or, am I going to try to really practice what this book says and show up for myself at the same time? It is a very delicate balancing act.

We are a generation of women who are turning our backs on instinctual, feminine, and nurturing qualities. That isn’t going to be the most enticing to a generation of men, who also have changed in the way they’ve been reared as men. These men are looking not just for leadership, but who are looking for comfort, nursing and support. They’re looking for someone who is going to bring interesting perspectives to their lives. We must tap into our divine femininity and become the true goddesses that we are.

To understand and feed that part of ourselves, believe it or not, starts with feeling amazing. Every day, it should start with something that lights you up. Before your day starts or before you hit the floor with your feet, it’s doing something amazing for yourself. It’s affirmations, it’s mediation, and it’s about seeing yourself as the most divine and most incredible spirit of yourself. Whether you masturbate frankly, for 10 minutes, every morning and just feel sexy, gorgeous and alive. That is literally going to change all the aspects of your life that you feel are static, and devoid of creativity. I don’t mean creativity like you’re an artist, but being creative in the way you look at life, feel about yourself, or about the way you address people.

If you did half of the things you do for someone new in your life for yourself on a daily basis, things would really manifest. Sit down and think about all of the things you do for somebody that you’re newly dating. It might be 20 things that you do in a week. If you took 2 of those things and put them in your life, every day. If every morning you started your day looking in the mirror and saying with the sweetest tone and love in your eyes, a positive message to yourself.
“You’re an incredible person!”
“You ARE Love!”
“I am so blessed to be You!”

So take the time this morning to fill yourself up with power, positivity and joy. You will be surprised how quickly things will shift in your life.

Image Courtesy of Steven Kasher Gallery